Winter finally arrived, and as always; I'd better hurry to enjoy it. We only get a few days every year. Luckily, I bought s thermal skirt last year, and a pair of Goretex shoes last week, so the cold doesn't bother me.

I love snow!

It's nine pm. Twelve hours ago, I took this picture.



Ragnar was alive. At home, with Elsa.

Three hours later, he was dead.

If I hadn't brought him in, he'd be in the room with me now. I could hug him. Hear his breath. Stroke his fur.

He'd be suffering, but maybe he'd feel a little bit better for a while, maybe live a few more weeks.

If I had brought him in sooner, maybe the vet would have put him on more meds. Maybe they would have worked.

I don't have him here tonight. He would be sleeping, exhausted. I would be able to touch him and pet him. I would listen to his breathing.

Yesterday, I thought "at least he's alive still, I can pet him and show him I love him."

And I did. I always did.

Today is the first day that it is too late to pet him.

The rest of my life? Without him. Fifteen years of his presence is not enough.

Did I do right by you, baby? Did you die feeling loved? Did you miss Elsa? Does Elsa miss you?

I can't tell, she's so calm. Maybe she has forgotten about you already.

My God, out life together is over. For fifteen years, you were my cat, and today it just ended.

I love you, Ragnar.
I hope you knew.

My 76-year old mother just texted me. "I'm sorry I missed your text. I was busy watching YouTube."

A very interesting article about the debt crisis in South Korea and how it affects Millennials:

https://www.insider.com/south-koreas-millennials-lives-arent-different-dire-realities-squid-game-2021-10



"If someone told me that right now, you could gamble your life to have your debt cleared and become a billionaire, I'd do it without hesitation," Kim said.

For weeks, I was planning to do this big post "I got a job in my home town! New life chapter starting now! :D"- post.

September 13th I did the uber middle class thing of

-getting up early in the morning and taking a cab to the train station
-taking the train to Arlanda Airport
-getting on a morning flight
-do ~important business meeting~ AKA job interview at the energy company in my home town
~fly back to Arlanda and arrive at home late in the evening

And it was supposed to be this super narratively perfect development of my life, you know?

Twenty-Two years ago, she left
Now she's back, with the skills she honed

All of these logistic plans: redesigning my flat to make a home office, commuting by flight and making deductions for the trips, eventually buying a house and moving M and the cats there.

Today, I went to lunch with my ex-boss, and her parting words were I'm rooting for you and then I had a missed call from the recruiter and I called her and she said I didn't get the job.

And she was like "Let's get in touch on LinkedIn. There are other energy companies up here, we need to get you back up North."

I cried for about ten minutes, texted everyone, then some more at my desk; fantasized about resigning, and about staying so I can eventually afford to buy a house here, and thought of my co-worker who said if you don't like the company, just switch jobs.

I had more vacation than ever, I think. 30 days? I had a lot saved up. I've worked a couple of days in between vacation days, so I won't get a huge culture shock.

I started having morning coffee in the park, and I'm doing that today too.

Five years since Anton Yelchin died yesterday. That's going to happen to each and every one of us; one second we have a past and a future and agency, and the next second we have nothing.

( Corporate Bullshit )

The last two days I've been binge-watching TNG. I haven't actually watched it a lot in the past couple of years and I skip the episodes I've seen recently at the Star Trek club (although "recent" doesn't mean what it used to be thanks to Covid-19.) It's so much fun; I had forgotten how much I love the characters! There's not a single one I don't like!

I was taken away yesterday by watching Ethics, which is a big "This is what a Doctor is"-episode; and I was reminded of some feminist critique I read a decade or so ago. How Doctor Crusher is a poor example of a female character because she's defined by her gender. She's a mother and she works in medicine which is a caring, female profession, and I was reminded of the article when I watched the episode, and realized I didn't agree with it at all.

Being a doctor was man's profession, back in the day. Doing medical research was definitely a man's profession. Women were nurses or midwives, but they definitely didn't perform surgeries, and they definitely didn't oversee a ship's crew.

Yes, Beverly wears lipstick and is a mother, but she's rational, scientifically minded, devoted to her patients, stands up to Picard when he needs it, gets assertive without raising her voice, and is all around loyal and brave. What's not to love?

Sure, she made love to a ghost that one time, but haven't we all done that?

A year ago, I could finally relax in my first class cabin on the night train to Luleå. Up until that point I'd been terrified that I would cough at the wrong moment and be refused entry.

I had anxiety over the booking for a week, when to leave (because we had the most important work project ever going on at the same time,) if I would be denied entry, if I would give my mom Covid, and what it would be like to see dad dying and unresponsive.

Tomorrow, he has been dead for one year, though it feels like he's been dead much longer.

But honestly, it was the time before that was painful. The most sad I ever felt was when he was still alive, but hallucinating, and I realized I'd never have a lucid phone call with him again. It was the death before death.

Post-death, my dad being still and washed and arranged in a dignified pose was easy.

With Malin!

*fully refundable in case shit happens* because you never know, lol

But it was a BITCH to plan; to find the days where Lena can tend to the cats (one of which is on two, soon three types of medication, lol,) when nothing important is going on at work, and that fits with Malin's vacation plans. Holy shit, it was exhausting! LOL LOL

So just having planned AND booked it feels like a feat.

And of course, I'm already in disaster mode:

What if I have developed motion sickness in the past year?

What if we have to evcauate the train in the middle of the night and we're infected by Covid in the process?

What if Ragnar gets sick while I'm away?

WHAT IF WE OVERSLEEP AND MISS OUR STOP

But, whatever! I shall plan for every contingency!