Nightmares suck+ things that make me go 'Eww'

I dreamt last night that I was reading TTT to Malin. Eventually I found a hidden chapter (ooohhh, don´t we all wish we could do that) somehow after The Voice of Saruman, in which Gandalf, for some magical purpose, killed and tortured some ents. When confronted by a disgusted Pippin he said oh, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette, and then somewhere I read, in some biography of Tolkien, some experts saying "This philosophy is one of the prominent themes in The Lord of the Rings, that the end always justifies the means..." (!) Later in the chapter Theoden told Gandalf that he had to apologize to Treebeard, and he reluctantly did so while whining like a baby. ("But it´s not faaaaiir, Theeeeoden. The trees where just staaanding there!")

Having seen TTT three times, one thing always disturb me: The audience laughs at Gollum. Not just when he's arguing with Sam but when he´s arguing with himself, when he´s crying, when he lies naked and crying in Faramir's cave.... How can people be so insensitive?

Things in fanfiction that makes me go "ew"

Have posted CI3, or as I like to call it squicky!fic, (it used to be called moralpanic!fic but Ian's RPS quote changed that) and while I am waiting to be shot down in flames (all fandoms have their versions of biblepeople) I am listing things that squick me in slash, FPS or RPS. In no particular order:

1. The word 'relief' used to describe sexual stimulation. It sounds like "Honey, I´ve an itch, help me scratch it!" or "Honey, my bladder is full, help me urinate!". I feel genuinely sorry for the person whose sexlife has been reduced to removing annoying erections. Where's the joy in that?

2. Aragorn/Elrond. It´s his fucking father! Even in the book ROTK Elrond is talked of as Aragorn's father. Yes there is no bloodbond but still. Weird thing is, actual incest!fics don't squick me as much, probably because there they actually acknowledge the issue.

3. Mary Sues. Yuck.
4. The phrase "spent penis." Dunno why.
5. The word "meat" as a description of a penis. Example from a fic I once read follows.

Skinner to Mulder:
"Mulder, my meat is 10 inches long".

6. An "extra" member of the Fellowship. OCs, male or female, who follows Frodo on the quest. Ew! They were only nine people, deal with it!!

Fics with clumpsy insertion of OCs or badly written OCs, male of female. I have a real problem with OCs in LOTR, partly because the canon seems to be so sacred, and also, there are so many characters (yes even female!) that I always wonder why the writer didn't choose on of those instead.

7. Legolas is pretty and therefore a slut.
8. Legolas is pretty and therefore Aragorn falls in love with him.
9. Legolas is pretty and therefore he gets brutally tortured and gang-raped by random Orcs so that strong man Aragorn can save him.
(Oh and by the way after Aragorn has washed his wounds, held him in his big strong arms and made love to him, Legolas is all right!)

I don´t remember what the name was but I read a story once where Legolas was raped and tortured by Orcs, was rescued by Aragorn and Gimli, and had sex with Aragorn THE SAME NIGHT. Happy End. Ew!

10. Suicide!fics where the decision to commit suicide is described A) in one sentence B) as easy C) as The Right Thing To Do.

11. If I read one more fic where Elijah's mother lets the guy who raped him get away in order not to ruin Elijah's career I'm going to break something.

12. FPS where Big People casually fuck Hobbits. Not as in: once in a while, but as in: "What, you mean there are other kinds of sex?!" Let me give you a tip: If you're a guy dating a Hobbit, let him fuck YOU every once in a while!

13. FPS where the Hobbits while getting fucked by Big People beg for more and more. "All the way, Strider!" I didn't have an A in biology but I don't think that's very likely. I think it'd be more like: "No further, Strider!"

14. Gimli/Legolas stories where Gimli NEVER gets fucked and Legolas ALWAYS gets fucked.

15. Stories where oral sex doesn't count as sex. "Hey, you give good head, wanna have sex sometime?"


In closing:
Three well-used (by me) clichés that I will try to never use in my writing again, for I admit I am a clichéd, verbose, romance novelist. :-) Think of it as my New Year's Resolution.

1. "his voice dropping to a husky low"
2. "he felt his nether regions stirring"
3. "he revelled in the tight heat surrounding him"/"he buried himself in tight heat"