Some kind of saviour

If there is one thing that struggling through my current fic (current word count: 11000, woo) has taught me is this:

I'M A REALLY LIMITED WRITER

;_;

No, I'm not saying that to be self-deprecating, it's true. I've been cheating the system for years by writing short ficlets, and introspective stories, and stories where the plot is loosely structured around time cuts or POV cuts or themes, as in the 5 + 1 format. And it has served me well! I'd like to think that the bulk of what I've written is pretty good.

But writing a traditionally structured story with more than two characters where the plot unveils from scene to scene and the dialogue is supposed to explain it all? Fuck fuck fuck.

What do you do when you have five people in a room who all have important things to say? At some point even I don't know who is supposed to be talking.

And add to that that I'm supposed to write a satisfying EMOTIONAL arc that gives the reader all those fluffy-achey feelings that I want them to have - and I'm a way out of my depth. If it wasn't for my amazingly talanted beta reader, none of what I have produced so far would even be readable.

This rant was brought to you by spending all day on a tiny part of a scene and not getting anywhere.

When people are asked if they want to have children, they usually answer whether they like children or not, and whether they would like to raise children or not.

That's fair enough. But there's also another question there, which is;

Do you want to create another human being or not?

( Cut for length )

Last night I started thinking about abortion. Yeah, I know, talk about ending up with the heavy topics of life, LOL.

( My thoughts inside )

Okay, so I haven't updated in a while. They blocked LJ at work, which I suppose is a good think (part of their big clean up operation.)

Work is very boring lately. Went to a job interview for a sister company, but I'm not sure I want that job (should I get it) as it seems very stressful.

Angsting about two things mostly:

Getting a myochardial infection from exercise with a sore throat, and getting run over by a bus or car.

My fear of the first thing is what's bugging silversolitaire lately since I tell her about it pretty much every day. I've made an appointment with my doctor to call me on Monday to make an appointment (yes, she's that busy) and hopefully it will be checked out.

It's a bit ironic, because I consider gym being one of the greatest (only) health improvements I've done for myself and the thought that it might cause me harm is incredibly annoying. I suppose what I'm scared of isn't dying so much, as it is dying through my own fault.

The second fear is actually one that I think I should feel stronger. I don't fear it enough in other words.

You see the problem is that I'm often lost in my own thoughts. When I'm listening to my iPod, I'm lost in my own thoughts and in music, which makes me doubly dangerous. But, even without it, I still tend to walk in my own world. Now, naturally this doesn't mean stepping out in the middle of the street or anything like that, but the fear I have is that I won't pay enough attention to the traffic and will get run over when I cross the street.

For example: On Thursday night as I was leaving the office I crossed the street in the designated place, keeping my eyes only on the road near me and not at the second half of the crossing which was only a few meters away.

When I was halfway over a bus came whizzing down the hill and drove down the piece of road I had ahead of me. I thought to myself if I had been a few meters ahead I would have gotten hit at full speed.

Of course the other person (in this case the driver) has a responsibility to see where they're going as well, but I can't really put my life in their hands. A successful social interaction such as traffic is requires both parties to be attentive and follow the rules.

I often have these moments where I think "Could I have died just there?"

And sometimes bicyclists whizz past me from behind and I think if I had just taken one step to the left the crash would have been inevitable. The only solace is that I would probably survive a crash with a cyclist, while a crash with a car, or which is my greatest fear - a bus or truck - will surely tear my body to shreds. And that's what scares me. The impact, the weight of it, being mutilated or crushed to death slowly under the vehicle. And my parents, having their life destroyed because I was reckless.

I know this sounds grim, but I'm actually a pretty positive person. I'm just a bit of a scaredy cat.

In other news, nothing new. The savings plan for the summer's renovations is looking good. I really feel as if the grey cloud of finances have cleared from the skies at last.

This week's episode of Torchwood was pretty upsetting, and I'm not even a vegetarian or anything.

silversolitaire finished Collateral last night. I feel so proud, hehe. Also, in general there seems to have been a rise in quality fics lately after weeks of a really bad harvest. Which is good.