The Day Before

It's the Day Before and I still don't feel any excitement or rush. My mother in law is here and while she's very nice I'd rather be with just malin. Just like last year... *weeps* I feel no magic. Not like when we were kids. Not like 2001. And this would be the Christmas when we would have learned from our mistakes last year and have a perfect Christmas. Then her mom comes and that doesn't feel great. It will be strange celebrating Christmas with a stranger that isn't my family instead of either being with my family or being with just Malin. But I'm being mean... I know.

I still feel like my heart is broken about ROTK and what happened on Saturday. The movie franchise has played such a big part in my Christmas spirit the last two years and since there was no magic... I don't feel any Christmas spirit either. I should really get over myself... I'm so pathetic. I feel so lonely and embittered. I feel like the last two years of my life has been made unimportant, the final climax destroyed. I didn't sleep the night before because I felt so sad and upset. I've been destroyed at work, I've been almost crying but not quite. I wish I could cry. I almost started crying when Malin e-mailed me she had cooked 'hobbitstew' for me. I just broke apart. Bleh. I know I'm being silly. I feel so small. I want to love it, I want a perfect Christmas, i want to be moved and ecstatic and feel the magic again. I don't want to feel indifferent.

The thing that makes me sad is that even if I like it better the next time I see it, I will already have seen it and now how each scene is interpreted. It can never be as magical as the first time would be. You only have one shot at seeing a film for the first time and that was taken from me. It's too late. It will always be too late for me. *cries*

And now my mother in law is sleeping in the living room so I can't feel as free or use the computer as freely, which of course I need since I need the hollidays to work on my stories. It's odd, I want to count the days until she leaves but can't since when she leaves, my vacation is over and I have to go back to work!

It feels weird that I can only relax on Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day I have to get on a commuter train, change at Stockholm Central Station (yay for Christmas spirit! Snort) to see my family and then back on the commute again for an hour and a half. (Please let someone take pity on me and offer me a ride home.) And then on The Third Day of Christmas, we day will be overshadowed by us leaving the house to see ROTK again.

Ah well, I have The Prisoner of Azkaban to read in my room during Christmas and while I'm at it I might as well use the time to make some notes on CI. Also when I get back I only have a day and a half to work and then I have a new vacation, when it will only be the two of us, a new Holiday, New Years, and more time on the computer.

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Malin is sick so last night I had to go to the supermarket and buy the entire Yule Bord myself. It was so awful. I kept running around trying to find everything and trying to find my trolley. There were tuns of people there. I felt like I would pass out. I then took a taxi home and Malin paid for it. I was so tired. At least most of the stuff is bought now! And she was kind enough to make marinate my ribs for me when I had gone to bed. And it started snowing yesterday so there might be a White Christmas. I'm still at work. I'll take the bus soon to go into town and do the last of the Christmas shopping i.e. get a present for SBB. Malin's promised to get all the remainding food stuff. I got my salary today, 10500 SEK, just as it should be.

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That's it! I've spent too much time LJ-ing and not enough time working so I feel guilty but nonetheless my bus is leaving soon. I'm leaving the workbuilding!