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Nov. 23rd, 2006 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kribbanI'm faring okay these days. The absolute depression and fear has subsided some, and have left a general melancholy in its wake. I know I'm a very lucky person. I'm fairly content, but the future scares me.
Sex, that's complicated.
I have the wrong gender for it and that kills me. I get a sense of hopelessness when I think about it.
I have never had a satisfying sexual relationship (although I have some experience) and that's frustrating. It was even more frustrating when I was dating, though. At least now I feel good about having been celibate for the past couple of years.
I'm not ready for commitment, and the thought of intimacy scares me, yet, I'm also scared of being alone. My friend Kristin tells me as I grow older that fear will outgrow the fear of love and I'll throw myself in someone's arms.
I don't think I've ever been in love, and I half-want it, and half-don't. I'm very scared I'm going to be brain washed by it, and stop doing all the things I love, like writing. People do the craziest things out of love.
And I'm getting uglier lately, but that could be the aging. I'm trying to get into shape, and it seems to be working only slowly, but I am not going to give up. I feel hopeful about that. I enjoy working out.
I think I need more testosterone. I need a better sex drive.
Oh, and House is my identical twin, it seems. Work is very stressful and so my left shoulder is killing me! Hehe. Unless you saw the latest episode of House M.D. you don't know what I'm talking about.
Pay day is tomorrow. Yay!
Had my Amnesty meeting on Tuesday. The nursing student and I will sell candles at the city's Culture Night on Saturday.
Sex, that's complicated.
I have the wrong gender for it and that kills me. I get a sense of hopelessness when I think about it.
I have never had a satisfying sexual relationship (although I have some experience) and that's frustrating. It was even more frustrating when I was dating, though. At least now I feel good about having been celibate for the past couple of years.
I'm not ready for commitment, and the thought of intimacy scares me, yet, I'm also scared of being alone. My friend Kristin tells me as I grow older that fear will outgrow the fear of love and I'll throw myself in someone's arms.
I don't think I've ever been in love, and I half-want it, and half-don't. I'm very scared I'm going to be brain washed by it, and stop doing all the things I love, like writing. People do the craziest things out of love.
And I'm getting uglier lately, but that could be the aging. I'm trying to get into shape, and it seems to be working only slowly, but I am not going to give up. I feel hopeful about that. I enjoy working out.
I think I need more testosterone. I need a better sex drive.
Oh, and House is my identical twin, it seems. Work is very stressful and so my left shoulder is killing me! Hehe. Unless you saw the latest episode of House M.D. you don't know what I'm talking about.
Pay day is tomorrow. Yay!
Had my Amnesty meeting on Tuesday. The nursing student and I will sell candles at the city's Culture Night on Saturday.
