Don't know a thing
Jun. 26th, 2005 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kribbanI keep thinking what makes a human being. I don't know who I am, but I knew a month ago. I don't know if I want to live her, in this town, keep this job etc. I don't know if I can feel at home in a new apartment. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I keep thinking I'm flawed and selfish. I can't feel emotions the way I want to. I can't love the way I want to. I'm very shallow. I don't like myself.
One month ago I knew who I was, these past three years I've written this LJ I've known who I am.
I want to be able to keep loving Malin. She's a wonderful person who loves me unconditionally. How do you throw that away? Love is the meaning of life. When I was with her I never worried about the future because I knew we had each other.
Yet, I look back at our seven years together and I don't recognize them. But when she comes home and we spend time together it's all good. These past couple of days we've had a pretty good time together.
There are things that have been going on for the past six years that I feel embarrassed about, that I don't want to continue, yet now that I've stopped I still feel nostalgic and miss it. There's a desire to keep things the way they were years ago.
I've always been shallow, very mundane. The only thing I've cared about is Malin and my life, food, fandoms, movies, work, trips. I've never thought about what it is to be human, what the meaning of life is, the nature of God.
I keep wondering if I should change that or continue as I have before - just alone in my own apartment? Or should I start thinking about these things? People in general don't seem to worry about it, they just go on with their everyday life. Should I open myself up emotionally, try to feel feelings or should I close myself off and bury myself in TV shows and fandom. That would probably spare me a lot of pain.
What will my life be like when I don't have Malin? Sure, we'll still hang out but we won't see each other everyday. What will I fill my life with after nine hours of a work that feels less and less important in a town that I don't like? It seems now that my life with Malin was the really important part of my life, not work or any of that stuff.
How much do I have to change and when? I feel I live vicariously through stories.
I want to be able to feel empathy for other people. I keep telling myself I hate other people, though I know that's an excaggeration. I want to be able to feel grief and happiness and love. But what is love, anyway? I know I've loved Malin a lot, but it doesn't seem like the kind of selfless, burning love there is in movies.
What is it to be a human? How can I find a place in life where I feel at home. I want to be special, yet still I want to be normal, like everyone else. I've been hobbitlike and content for the last couple of years. I haven't wanted to do much besides be with Malin and our cat. I thought, so what if I'm nobody special, if I never achieve immortality? I'm happy now and that's what counts. I've deliberately chosen the simple life.
Now I don't know anything. I feel very different from one month ago when this all started and half of me wants me to go back the way I was, just with a few life changes. The other half is telling me to change my life and myself radically now, while my parents are still alive to support me.
I have a emotionless, rational voice that tells me not to think about it, everything will be fine, just lose myself in mundane things, distract myself with television shows, don't think about the past. That's the voice that shuts me down and keeps me from being too emotionally involved.
I miss Malin so much. She'll be home from work in an hour. We hugged yesterday, it was nice. We're still friends. She says she's looking forward to my moving out so she can re-decorate and start her new life.
I keep thinking I'm flawed and selfish. I can't feel emotions the way I want to. I can't love the way I want to. I'm very shallow. I don't like myself.
One month ago I knew who I was, these past three years I've written this LJ I've known who I am.
I want to be able to keep loving Malin. She's a wonderful person who loves me unconditionally. How do you throw that away? Love is the meaning of life. When I was with her I never worried about the future because I knew we had each other.
Yet, I look back at our seven years together and I don't recognize them. But when she comes home and we spend time together it's all good. These past couple of days we've had a pretty good time together.
There are things that have been going on for the past six years that I feel embarrassed about, that I don't want to continue, yet now that I've stopped I still feel nostalgic and miss it. There's a desire to keep things the way they were years ago.
I've always been shallow, very mundane. The only thing I've cared about is Malin and my life, food, fandoms, movies, work, trips. I've never thought about what it is to be human, what the meaning of life is, the nature of God.
I keep wondering if I should change that or continue as I have before - just alone in my own apartment? Or should I start thinking about these things? People in general don't seem to worry about it, they just go on with their everyday life. Should I open myself up emotionally, try to feel feelings or should I close myself off and bury myself in TV shows and fandom. That would probably spare me a lot of pain.
What will my life be like when I don't have Malin? Sure, we'll still hang out but we won't see each other everyday. What will I fill my life with after nine hours of a work that feels less and less important in a town that I don't like? It seems now that my life with Malin was the really important part of my life, not work or any of that stuff.
How much do I have to change and when? I feel I live vicariously through stories.
I want to be able to feel empathy for other people. I keep telling myself I hate other people, though I know that's an excaggeration. I want to be able to feel grief and happiness and love. But what is love, anyway? I know I've loved Malin a lot, but it doesn't seem like the kind of selfless, burning love there is in movies.
What is it to be a human? How can I find a place in life where I feel at home. I want to be special, yet still I want to be normal, like everyone else. I've been hobbitlike and content for the last couple of years. I haven't wanted to do much besides be with Malin and our cat. I thought, so what if I'm nobody special, if I never achieve immortality? I'm happy now and that's what counts. I've deliberately chosen the simple life.
Now I don't know anything. I feel very different from one month ago when this all started and half of me wants me to go back the way I was, just with a few life changes. The other half is telling me to change my life and myself radically now, while my parents are still alive to support me.
I have a emotionless, rational voice that tells me not to think about it, everything will be fine, just lose myself in mundane things, distract myself with television shows, don't think about the past. That's the voice that shuts me down and keeps me from being too emotionally involved.
I miss Malin so much. She'll be home from work in an hour. We hugged yesterday, it was nice. We're still friends. She says she's looking forward to my moving out so she can re-decorate and start her new life.
