Confession part deux
Aug. 1st, 2005 06:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kribbanHi. Since my my post on Friday - after which I told my mom to expect anything to happen, i.e. don't label me as a lesbian - I've been thinking a lot about another big issue - the past.
Short story:
A big part of my relationship with Malin, and a large part of why this break up is so hard, is that a lot of it was lived in a fantasy world.
To explain the best way I can... Malin has Disassociative Identity Disorder or something like it - meaning that she is several people at once, or rather she can choose to let other people come forward. These are supposedly real people, according to her belief, that she channels. That's the best way I can describe it without getting too much into details. And a lot of our lives, not the most, but say, 20 %, was composed by our socialising with these (non-existing) people.
Some of these I've mentioned here on the LJ - SBB being one. After seven years, and a lot of bizarre things happening in this fantasy world of ours, I decided I had had enough and I had a break down. This was when I went to my parents and told Malin I wanted to break up.
I have told Malin that I will never participate in the fantasy world again, that it is 100% fake and that she can never mention it to me. She has so far respected my wishes.
The problem I'm having now is that I'm looking back at the past seven years and the bizarre and bad things we did and how we let this fantasy world linger, and I feel really, really bad about it.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I look back at the past and I can't imagine that being me. I consider myself a very sane person, the one who is always level headed, and yet, I allowed myself to believe in a fantasy world for seven years. I should have put my foot down sooner. Sometimes I look at the past and I can't imagine that having happened. It feels like watching a movie, and I'm afraid I'll never get over the embarrassment. I keep thinking what if people knew about this, they'd never respect me again, etc.
I'm angry at myself for ever being so stupid. I'm relieved it's over.
Short story:
A big part of my relationship with Malin, and a large part of why this break up is so hard, is that a lot of it was lived in a fantasy world.
To explain the best way I can... Malin has Disassociative Identity Disorder or something like it - meaning that she is several people at once, or rather she can choose to let other people come forward. These are supposedly real people, according to her belief, that she channels. That's the best way I can describe it without getting too much into details. And a lot of our lives, not the most, but say, 20 %, was composed by our socialising with these (non-existing) people.
Some of these I've mentioned here on the LJ - SBB being one. After seven years, and a lot of bizarre things happening in this fantasy world of ours, I decided I had had enough and I had a break down. This was when I went to my parents and told Malin I wanted to break up.
I have told Malin that I will never participate in the fantasy world again, that it is 100% fake and that she can never mention it to me. She has so far respected my wishes.
The problem I'm having now is that I'm looking back at the past seven years and the bizarre and bad things we did and how we let this fantasy world linger, and I feel really, really bad about it.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I look back at the past and I can't imagine that being me. I consider myself a very sane person, the one who is always level headed, and yet, I allowed myself to believe in a fantasy world for seven years. I should have put my foot down sooner. Sometimes I look at the past and I can't imagine that having happened. It feels like watching a movie, and I'm afraid I'll never get over the embarrassment. I keep thinking what if people knew about this, they'd never respect me again, etc.
I'm angry at myself for ever being so stupid. I'm relieved it's over.
