Fic: Chasing Ian chapter 8

[kribban]

8


Mrs. Lowell takes a long time to answer the doorbell. He can hear her shuffling inside with her walker for a whole minute before the door is opened and her tiny head appears. “Yes?”

”Hello, Mrs. Lowell. Uh…Ian’s eh… gone and I’m here to pick up the spare keys. To… eh, to water the flowers.”

She squints her eyes and looks at him with a narrowing frown. “Oh!” she finally exclaims. “Oh, it’s you, love! My eyesight’s gone completely nutters these days, can’t blame an old girl for not recognizing you, can you, love?”

He shakes his head, and she chuckles. “Well, don’t just stand there on my porch, lad. Come in, love.”

He clears his voice. “Actually, I just came for the keys, Mrs. Lowell. I really am kind of in a hurry.”

She looks at him in confusion, her small, turbid eyes narrowing. “But Ian’s back now, ain’t he, love? Saw him carry out the bin just yesterday morning. You’ve been asking when he’d be getting back all month, and now he has. So what would you be needing his keys for?”

Elijah swallowed. “Yes, I know he’s been back. He uh… called me to say he was returning, and I – I was to fly out here to meet him, and that he was going away for the day, and I was to fetch the keys from you… to let myself in.”

He smiles radiantly at her until her brow un-furrows and she seems to relent. “All right, then. You just wait here.” All suspicion is gone from her as she returns with the keys and something else in her hand.

“Right, you have a good time now, love.” He thanks her, and as she presses a hard toffee in his hand she smiles warmly. “You’re such a sweet boy.”

He’s half across the street when he lets out the sigh he’s holding. “Yeah, right I am…”

***

The nausea and the feeling of unease seem to escalate with each passing second, and as he stands at last before the front door he is absolutely sick.

Quickly, before he has a chance to change his mind, he sticks his spare key in the lock and presses the handle down, but the door doesn’t budge. He wiggles the key a bit, using his shoulder for leverage. Still, nothing happens. The locks have been changed.

For a second he contemplates walking away. He can get a taxi on the corner, call the airline on his cell. Ian would never know.

But it’s a pointless argument, and he doesn’t really have a choice in the matter. He puts his finger on the electronic buzzer, closing his eyes as he lets it ring.

There’s the expected gust of air and change in atmosphere, and as he opens his eyes, he blinks. Ian looks old and beaten down, his face a harsh landscape of anger and pain.

Elijah’s throat goes dry. “I – uhm. Hi.” He doesn’t know what’s worse – the look on Ian’s face or the silence that follows.

“Uhm. Hello. I… Uhh.” If he just keeps talking the right words will find him, the perfect lead-in to his most important speech ever. “I – uh, yeah…”

Suddenly, like a statue bursting to life, Ian clenches his teeth. “You’re not wanted here.”

“I’ve… I’ve come to talk to you, Ian. To see you.”

“What did you expect? A warm welcome?” Ian’s lip twitches, and Elijah shivers at the coldness of his voice. “Go home, Elijah.”

The door is practically slammed in Elijah’s face. He sticks his foot in the doorway, searching for the right words… “I uhh…”

Ian shakes his head. “You’ve come all this way to stutter and gasp? To pull your remorseful little-boy-lost routine to convince me to take pity on you?”

Elijah stiffens. “No routine. I’ve come to see you. To talk.”

Ian is quiet for a moment. “Five minutes, and you’re not touching me. So talk,” he says once the door is closed behind them. “What is it you flew all that way to let me to know? How sorry you are? How it was all a row of great mistakes? How you’re not really a hypocrite?”

From inside the house looks the same as always. Elijah shakes his head. “I mostly came here to listen.”

Ian snorts. “That’s novel. Who are you?”

“What do you mean? I’m Elijah.”

Ian blinks and looks away. He folds his arms hesitantly across his chest as if he’s aware that it looks stupid but doesn’t know what else to do with them. “Let me tell you something about Elijah, since you claim to have entered the listening business.”

Elijah nods.

“Elijah…” Ian gives him a glare. “Was one of the most remarkable people I had ever met. This middle ground of... of being a child at heart and probably more mature than anyone I knew was something I found utterly irresistible. Elijah made me feel worthwhile. Alive. I trusted Elijah. Stupid, really, since I’d done it all before. Older, younger, richer, less, and more, successful than me. But you were perfect. You weren’t shallow and half-baked like I was at your age. You were smarter, better. You knew who you were and what you wanted, had everything sorted out. I suppose other people told you you were eighteen going on forty-five, but they didn’t mean it as a compliment. I did.” He pauses.

“We had a bit of a tough stretch in the beginning, Elijah and I. It wasn’t easy with the age difference and that rational voice in my brain nagging away at me night and day. And surely, at first there was nothing more than some half-decent conversation, which, to be fair, was more than I had hoped for with the workload bearing down on us. It was pleasant, not mind-blowing, but more than okay for a distraction or two.”

He raises his voice a little. “Then, one morning, to my great and utter surprise, I found, as I was half asleep in my make-up chair, a stubby little hand sticking down my crotch, and before I could pull it out, I thought, why the hell not? A romp and a frolic with an enthusiastic young co-worker would be good for my morale. I was unattached, and Elijah, well, Elijah wasn’t a virgin, that much I knew.”

Elijah releases his tongue from between clenched teeth, realizing that he has drawn blood. “Is there much left of your little recap, Ian? I kind of know this stuff, seeing as I was there.”

Ian gives him a long look. “Did you say that you would listen, or did I just dream up that bit?”

Elijah grits his teeth. “Fine.”

“Now, as I was saying, I realized that a little entertainment would lighten the mood and so leaned back and let myself enjoy Elijah’s adequate ministrations. The second I’d climaxed, however, I couldn’t help feeling anxious. I mean, there I was, with the door unlocked and my prick in the hand of the leading man! I didn’t have any idea what his reaction would be. After all, here was the resolute heterosexual with my spunk all over his hand. Perhaps it had been just a little curiosity on his part, maybe a dare gone wrong? I half-expected him to throw up on me. But he didn’t, just… pulled his hand out as if it wasn’t the most surprising turn of events, and simply stood there, letting me wipe it clean.”

Ian smiles faintly, but it comes off as a little desperate. “I ventured into our secret little affair without any expectations or worries. It would be over and done with before the shooting schedule took us in different directions, and no one would be the wiser. But then I started… noticing things. Things in myself. I was growing quite fond of him – more than that, attached. I started… missing him. When he was on call or too busy to see me I found myself longing for him, rearranging my days, the few I had off, so I could see him. And when I did see him, he was witty and warm and clever. Exhilarating to be around. Always a hand for your sex and an ear for your troubles. Even his flaws were charming.” He sucks in a quick breath. “I felt myself fall. And so I decided to end it. I made all the arrangements. Two tickets to a game of cricket. A little date of enormous importance to me, reminding me of my childhood, and I couldn’t possibly go alone. Remember?”

Elijah’s throat has gone, if possible, even dryer.

“Yes, I can see you remember. I made sure you cancelled on your friends to go with me, on your first day off in two weeks. I demanded you’d make me a priority. And you did. Except, I wasn’t going to show up. I made reservations at a B&B about an hour’s drive away. Thought I’d get myself a 24 hour vacation. I knew without a doubt you would be waiting for me in front of the cricket field, possibly for hours. When you would confront me upon my return, as I was sure you would, I would simply smile and say I’d realised there were better ways to spend my time than in your company. You would be furious. Hate me, for a time. And I would be safe.”

It seems as if Elijah’s heart has stopped beating. His feet feel made out of lead in his Gucci shoes.

“Oh yes, Elijah. That was the way things would have gone. By now you would have been nothing more than a memory. You certainly wouldn’t be here.” The expression in Ian’s eyes is unreadable.

“But a stroke of bad fortune ruined my brilliant scheme. The night before I was to leave I came down with an unusually bad case of stomach flu. And, well, you remember the rest. But what you don’t know is that it changed everything.” Ian’s eyes seem dark instead of light blue, an appearance accentuated by the shady lighting.

“Elijah stayed with me all night, holding my hand on the toilet. Vomit, piss, shit – nothing fazed him. Through my shivers and the veil of my delirium I saw him as if for the first time, devoted to an old man’s ailments. He was beautiful. He looked neither revolted nor as if he pitied me, but genuinely concerned for my well being. And then I realised he wasn’t some shallow, young thing I could carelessly disregard as the flavour of the month. This was someone far more experienced than most, maybe more so than myself, a man I could trust enough to show my true self to; charms, idiosyncrasies, my body in all its decay and splendour.”

Elijah had always thought Ian to be kind and considerate back in New Zealand, friendly to all and certainly not capable of deceiving him in such a cruel way. After a long, laboured pause he finally opens his mouth to speak, but Ian cuts him off, resuming his monologue.

“Of course all of that seems to have been a great misunderstanding from my part. Because you see, after two years something happened. All of a sudden one thing didn’t go Elijah’s way. That’s nothing new, of course, because Elijah, worldly and experienced as he was, had obviously encountered obstacles before. But this time, unlike those other times, he didn’t face it with all his wisdom and maturity. No, instead he came to the conclusion that he was the wronged party, that an offence had somehow been committed against him. And so, he started to act like a wounded puppy, demanding pity and contrition for an injury I never caused him.” Ian frowns as if he’s suddenly made a stunning discovery.

”You know what you’re like? A poorly written romance novel! All these years of thematically unified story arcs and psychological development suddenly turned on its head when the hero starts acting grossly out of character for no apparent reason.” He unfolds his arms, pausing for a moment.

“I couldn’t believe it! Here I was, stuck on lord knows what level of commitment with someone I had given my absolutely everything to. Cock, heart, front-door keys; the whole works. But even more importantly, I’d given you my time, Elijah, which at my age is more than precious. Three fucking years out of my life. I gave them to you, I gave you everything I had. And then you betrayed me like this.”

Elijah folds and unfolds his hands in what would be his lap if he was sitting down. His mother’s voice seems suddenly very distant.

“I never betrayed you.”

“What?” Ian has taken a step back, rather than forward, as if he expects Elijah will reach out and hit him.

Elijah shakes his head. “It wasn’t betrayal. I had opinions. I still do. I never…. I never meant to betray you. I don’t think I did.”

Ian’s mouth falls open. “What do you think you did then? What the fuck do you think it is that you’ve done to me?”

“I … I don’t know. We fought.” Elijah shrugs. “I said some things that hurt you. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

Ian gives him a long look of contempt. “Why did you come here then?”

“To clear things up. To…” Elijah turns his head.

“Then you’re wasting even more of my time.” Ian moves towards the door. “Goodbye, Elijah.”
“Wait, wait! Please,” Elijah steps forward holding his hands up. “Please, just listen. You can throw me out later if you don’t like what I have to say. I’m… I don’t know what to tell you. That’s the truth. I came here, because… Well, I realised something.”

Ian coughs. “And what, dare I ask, was this latest mind-racking realisation of yours?”

“That…That I don’t want to fucking lose you!”

For a moment everything is quiet, and then Ian chuckles softly. ”You should have put me on a fucking string then, love, because you’ve already lost me.”

Elijah has to fight with himself not to shrink back against the door. “I don’t buy that.”

“What you think is irrelevant. So, why?

Elijah pretends to pick a chunk of dirt from under his finger nail. “Huh?”

“Why don’t you finally reveal what your avid readers have been waiting to find out? Why you did it. Certainly there is a good reason for your change in behaviour.” Ian raises his left eyebrow.

“I… I don’t know.”

Ian shakes his head. “Oh no. That’s not good enough.”

“I know. I don’t… Look, you want a reason? Some big revelation like yours was - that it was all a big joke to you and you planned to fuck me over?”

Elijah can see Ian tense and turn his head away. “‘Cause… I…. don’t think I can give you that.”

Ian ignores him. “So you decided you want me back, then? Right now, you want me to whisk you off to bed and tell you everything’s forgotten.”

“No! I –“

“Because I wonder why on earth you’d want to pursue me again, after all the things you’ve told me about myself. Is that all gone now? Are you reformed? Am I suddenly looking better to you?” Ian’s eyes narrows. “Can you honestly say you’re not secretly disgusted somewhere deep down in your conformist judgmental brain?”

Elijah swallows nervously. “Not secretly.”

There’s a moment of silence before Ian gasps. “Fuck you,” he says quietly. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

Elijah precedes him. “Wait! I’m being fucking honest about it, so you owe it to yourself to listen. That’s what you wanted, right?” Ian remains quiet, but Elijah can see the admission.

“I can’t change anything, okay? I can’t change who I am or who you are, and, unfortunately enough, I can’t change the past. You probably think I can erase my feelings, re-write the way I was raised, but I can’t.”

Ian looks disdainfully at him. “So you’ve not changed at all.”

Elijah is sweating in his coat, but he doesn’t dare take it off and make Ian think he’s presuming to stay. “I’ve realized some things.”

What things Elijah has realized, Ian obviously doesn’t want to know, because he steps forward, crossing his arms again. “Do you know what pisses me off the most, besides the fact that you’re a hypocrite? Oh, you are, Elijah, with your porn collection and being fucked on a counter top with your kid sister in the other room. You honestly think I haven’t heard Dominic’s stories? I didn't find out you'd been sleeping with him until after your little stunt in the trailer but after that I can assure you I learned all the details.”

Elijah shifts uncomfortably. “That’s got nothi–.”

“Oh, it certainly does. You were no choir boy when I met you.” Ian pauses, his eyes gleaming. “Yet you weren’t as experienced as you had thought. You only realized that after you and I had become lovers, despite the enthusiasm I showed in bed with you. That’s what this boils down to, is it not? You were young and gorgeous; people kept telling you so. You had money and talent. A big house, nice car, willing teenagers following you around… And yet, I was the one with the bigger résumé. I, who was supposed to be, what – a safe obliging old fool?”

Elijah nods. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I did feel inferior. Maybe I felt you were comparing notes whenever I touched you.”

Ian’s shaking his head now, and Elijah can hear that his voice is threatening to crack. “You knew from the start that…You knew I was loyal to you. Whoever I fucked in the past stopped being of importance the second you walked into my life, and you fucking knew it.”

“I did,” Elijah admits, but Ian doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the fact that he’s actually agreeing.

“Give me more.”

“More of what?”

Ian sighs. “More of your brilliant theories.”

Elijah feels increasingly uneasy. “Look, I don’t think there’s a real reason. I just disapproved.”

Ian looks disgustedly at him. “It’s a mystery to me how someone who enjoys the sight of, among other things, people urinating on each other, could be offended by a past like mine. One would think that a person with such tastes would appreciate an open mind.“

“That’s different.”

Ian’s jaw drops. “Why on earth?”

Elijah turns his gaze downwards. ”Because I would never date any of those girls.” He can feel Ian’s stare at the top of his head and sighs. “I know it’s a double standard, I know that, the whole Madonna-Whore thing. But most guys think like that. You can fuck the porn star, but you don’t take her home.” He flicks his eyes over Ian. “You of all people should know.”

Ian looks stunned. “[I] most assuredly don’t have any such Neanderthal fixation. God, this is the last time I date a bisexual!”

Elijah fights to keep his cool despite Ian’s indignation. “I know you think I’m being unfair…”

“Unfair? You’re a hypocrite! A common, filthy hypocrite. And to think, that’s not even the worst part! No, the worst part of this sad, sordid tale is that you couldn’t find it in your heart to tell me what the fuck was wrong with you! I asked you a billion fucking times, and all you would say was that nothing was wrong. You spent these past weeks, months, carrying I don’t know what kind of disturbing sentiments towards me, and you didn’t have the nerve to tell it to my face?”

Elijah doesn’t have a good answer to that. He has come here because his mother has made him realize how much he appreciates Ian. But now, accused and forced to defend himself, those noble intentions feel very remote. “You’re right. I wasn’t myself for the longest time. I was dishonest with you.”

Ian shakes his head, as if he hasn’t done that enough to last a lifetime. “You had no right to treat me like that. You had no right to be angry with me! I never lied to you. I didn’t hurt you. I wanted to, but I chose not to.” He pauses, and Elijah gets the distinct impression he’s regretting that.

“I have been fortunate in the past. I won’t deny it; I’ve probably fucked more men than you’ve figured out, and I had fun! I did everything you think and worse, and I loved every second of it.” As he steps forward his face is illuminated by the overhead lamp, and Elijah can see every harsh line and crevice.

“But since I met you, since… I haven’t touched anyone but you. If that’s not enough for you, I don’t know what is.”

The pain in his voice is overwhelming. Elijah exhales sharply and the words come tumbling out. “I’m sorry. What happened to you... Between us. I’m sorry.”

With surprising grace Ian sits down on the small bench beneath the mirror. When he speaks he sounds astonished. “I never thought it’d come to this. I knew it would end one day, but not like this. I never thought you’d hurt me.”

Elijah never thought that either, but it seems pointless to say so now.

Ian doesn’t look him in the eyes. “I don’t understand. We were happy.”

Elijah tears his gaze away. “Someone was happy. I don’t know if that was really us.”

Ian nods fervently. “Oh, that was really me,” he says quietly. “That was all me.”

Nothing is said for a long while and Elijah can hear his own heartbeat over the silence. If only he knew what to say…

Suddenly, Ian wipes his eyes with his sleeve and gets up. “So,” he says in an unexpectedly strong voice. “You came here to weasel your way back into my life, then? Give me your best shot.”

Elijah jumps. “Wha-”

“Start the seduction. Make me forget.”

Elijah can see how old and torn up Ian looks, his shoulders slumping in the mirror. He can’t help but wonder how many years Ian has left. Not enough for Elijah to risk wasting any more.

He shakes his head. “I don’t want you back.”

The air is so filled with surprise that Elijah can feel it envelop him. Ian stares at him, it’s impossible to tell whether in shock or relief.

“Are you fucking serious?”

He nods a little shakily, feeling surer of his decision with each passing second. “I think… I think I want you to be all right. I think if it’s better for you to not be with me, then that’s where I want you. Gone.” Outside the traffic is drowning out the sound of the wind chimes. He feels suddenly very relieved.

Ian looks bewildered. “But this… all this?” He throws his hands out. “I thought…”

Elijah tries hard to keep the despair out of his voice. “I love you. I want you to be all right.” He can’t help but fidget with the hem of his jacket. “Look, I’d better go.”

Suddenly, Ian grabs his wrist, strong fingers digging into the skin. “Why did you put me through all this?”

Elijah’s stomach clenches. “I honestly don’t know.”

Ian nods and lets him go. For a second nothing else happens. It seems hilarious that they should just stand there in silence while this significant moment unfolds. Elijah clears his throat.

“Why don’t you go out tonight? Really, I think you should. I think you should dress up and go out and accept the first drink offer you get.”

Ian wipes his eyes again. “What makes you think I haven’t already?”

Elijah manages to smile, but it goes unanswered. “Good!”

The sound of the door closing behind him is almost lost in the noise of the traffic. It isn’t until he’s off the porch that he allows himself to cry.