On the topic of Kristina's brain
Aug. 8th, 2007 10:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kribbanI'm gonna disable comments because on this entry because I don't want any comments, I just want to write about this because I feel it's therapeutic.
Those of you who know me well, know I'm a bit, shall we say, gender confused. I don't mean in a physical way, I'm not TG. More in a spiritual way. I've never quite felt 100 % like a woman, and I have often found myself sympathising more with men than with women. This doesn't mean there aren't times when I think men aren't full of shit, but that's another issue.
You may also know I have OCD. Nothing very severe, I manage to work and function just fine in society, but I find myself thinking things that upset me obsessively over and over again.
Lately I've been thinking about the fact that maybe being biologically a woman is damaging. Well not damaging, but a bit like a handicap.
There are studies that show that there are fewer really smart women than there are men. There are women who are smart of course, but they're on the whole a lot fewer than the really smart men.
And I think maybe my brain is just underdeveloped? Maybe because I'm a woman I'm a bit more stupid and a bit less bright than my brothers are. And no matter how much I study or apply myself I will never come up to a man's intellectual level.
I know this is detrimental and counter-productive to think that way, but I can't stop myself. When I was thinking about this earlier I got sad and then I scolded myself for getting too emotional. That's a very masculine quality, to not get emotional and I often tell myself to suck it up and take it like a man whenever I get upset.
When I fail it makes me feel even more inferior. I keep wondering if my life would be better if I had been a guy physically. Maybe I'd be more successful. God knows my job isn't doing much to develop my intelligence lately...
Don't get me wrong, I love my co-workers and I like my job most of the time but for the last couple of months it's been completely unstimulating. There is no challenge, no room to develop or evolve. Yet I worry if I could find another job... Maybe I have worked there so long it's the only kind of job I can do.
I've never measured my intelligence and I must say I'm a bit afraid to do so. It distresses me enough to feel that I'm a part of the "lesser half" of the population.
Thing is though, I'm not sure this is how I really feel. This is probably just my OCD talking. But I can't stop listening to it... Sometimes I wish I had just been born a man.
There, all poured out. I do feel better now. Time to drink coffee and face the day.
Those of you who know me well, know I'm a bit, shall we say, gender confused. I don't mean in a physical way, I'm not TG. More in a spiritual way. I've never quite felt 100 % like a woman, and I have often found myself sympathising more with men than with women. This doesn't mean there aren't times when I think men aren't full of shit, but that's another issue.
You may also know I have OCD. Nothing very severe, I manage to work and function just fine in society, but I find myself thinking things that upset me obsessively over and over again.
Lately I've been thinking about the fact that maybe being biologically a woman is damaging. Well not damaging, but a bit like a handicap.
There are studies that show that there are fewer really smart women than there are men. There are women who are smart of course, but they're on the whole a lot fewer than the really smart men.
And I think maybe my brain is just underdeveloped? Maybe because I'm a woman I'm a bit more stupid and a bit less bright than my brothers are. And no matter how much I study or apply myself I will never come up to a man's intellectual level.
I know this is detrimental and counter-productive to think that way, but I can't stop myself. When I was thinking about this earlier I got sad and then I scolded myself for getting too emotional. That's a very masculine quality, to not get emotional and I often tell myself to suck it up and take it like a man whenever I get upset.
When I fail it makes me feel even more inferior. I keep wondering if my life would be better if I had been a guy physically. Maybe I'd be more successful. God knows my job isn't doing much to develop my intelligence lately...
Don't get me wrong, I love my co-workers and I like my job most of the time but for the last couple of months it's been completely unstimulating. There is no challenge, no room to develop or evolve. Yet I worry if I could find another job... Maybe I have worked there so long it's the only kind of job I can do.
I've never measured my intelligence and I must say I'm a bit afraid to do so. It distresses me enough to feel that I'm a part of the "lesser half" of the population.
Thing is though, I'm not sure this is how I really feel. This is probably just my OCD talking. But I can't stop listening to it... Sometimes I wish I had just been born a man.
There, all poured out. I do feel better now. Time to drink coffee and face the day.
