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kribbanToday I got so sad and angry I almost started crying. Why?
This morning I got a text that I was getting flowers delivered. Malin came by and we ate the cake and sandwich cake I made last night, and then she left for work. I started my Star Trek episode (always TOS on birthdays) popped open my 37 cl bottle of champagne and made myself comfortable.
Then I got a call from the florist. I pulled out a vase and filled it with water, ready for the flowers, and went down to the door.
It was not a bouquet of flowers. It was a Christmas arrangement (albeit with a Happy Birthday sign.) And chocolates. I don't eat chocolates.
I fell into half an hour of despair. How could my brothers have sent me Christmas flowers on my birthday? It felt so insulting. So belittling.
I shoved the rest of the champagne in the refrigerator and sent angry texts to my friends. Then my mother called and we talked for a while, and I finished my episode, feeling better. When I drank the rest of the champagne, I didn't get a nice buzz, just a depression. Alcohol for me
And then I waited for my friend to come and have cake with me, but when I texted her she said she had a headache (I'm most angry that she didn't text me to tell me she wasnät coming.) And now I'm going to have to throw some of the cake away. And then I had an hour depressive spell where I thought about how my life has no meaning and I hate my job and I have nothing to live for.
But then! Then I posted an angsty Facebook post where I told all my friends, family, and colleagues how depressed I am, and then I sent a message to my doctor's office saying "I MAY BE DEPRESSED AND IN NEED OF MEDICINE, PLEASE ACCESS."
I fully went into today knowing it was going to be a shit birthday, and yet, still it managed to depress me somehow.
The absolute happiest I've been this year - and this is to end on a positive note - was when I finished and posted my big WIP this summer.
It was fairly popular - for my standards - and I reveled in the comments I received, people speculating on what was going to happen, and telling me what they liked and disliked. Every message was a dopamine hit, and I thought to myself: is this what BNFs feel like? This is the best feeling in the world!
I guess, the key to my happiness is to become a BNF? But the problem is... I can't write 30k fics with popular pairings just to be happy. I can't. It's too much work, and I probably wouldn't enjoy writing those stories anyway. Plus, now I'm depressed and can't write.
A few minutes ago, I got a Facebook messenger from a guy I used to work with. He left three years ago, he's one of those people you lose touch with but stay Facebook friends with if that makes sense. He told me that he struggles with anxiety and that he thinks I'm brave for admitting that I'm not doing well. <3
This morning I got a text that I was getting flowers delivered. Malin came by and we ate the cake and sandwich cake I made last night, and then she left for work. I started my Star Trek episode (always TOS on birthdays) popped open my 37 cl bottle of champagne and made myself comfortable.
Then I got a call from the florist. I pulled out a vase and filled it with water, ready for the flowers, and went down to the door.
It was not a bouquet of flowers. It was a Christmas arrangement (albeit with a Happy Birthday sign.) And chocolates. I don't eat chocolates.
I fell into half an hour of despair. How could my brothers have sent me Christmas flowers on my birthday? It felt so insulting. So belittling.
I shoved the rest of the champagne in the refrigerator and sent angry texts to my friends. Then my mother called and we talked for a while, and I finished my episode, feeling better. When I drank the rest of the champagne, I didn't get a nice buzz, just a depression. Alcohol for me
And then I waited for my friend to come and have cake with me, but when I texted her she said she had a headache (I'm most angry that she didn't text me to tell me she wasnät coming.) And now I'm going to have to throw some of the cake away. And then I had an hour depressive spell where I thought about how my life has no meaning and I hate my job and I have nothing to live for.
But then! Then I posted an angsty Facebook post where I told all my friends, family, and colleagues how depressed I am, and then I sent a message to my doctor's office saying "I MAY BE DEPRESSED AND IN NEED OF MEDICINE, PLEASE ACCESS."
I fully went into today knowing it was going to be a shit birthday, and yet, still it managed to depress me somehow.
The absolute happiest I've been this year - and this is to end on a positive note - was when I finished and posted my big WIP this summer.
It was fairly popular - for my standards - and I reveled in the comments I received, people speculating on what was going to happen, and telling me what they liked and disliked. Every message was a dopamine hit, and I thought to myself: is this what BNFs feel like? This is the best feeling in the world!
I guess, the key to my happiness is to become a BNF? But the problem is... I can't write 30k fics with popular pairings just to be happy. I can't. It's too much work, and I probably wouldn't enjoy writing those stories anyway. Plus, now I'm depressed and can't write.
A few minutes ago, I got a Facebook messenger from a guy I used to work with. He left three years ago, he's one of those people you lose touch with but stay Facebook friends with if that makes sense. He told me that he struggles with anxiety and that he thinks I'm brave for admitting that I'm not doing well. <3
